Marriage Tips for Crazy People by Crazy People: Our First 25 Years


Mugshot our Bishop took because he couldn’t tell people under 40 apart #relateable

25 years ago this week, I was gift-wrapping chocolates in a Laura Secord shop when a customer, an old lady, noticed my little engagement ring. It was just us girls, and she gave me some NSFW advice to help with my upcoming marriage. It was very good advice, and it’s got me thinking about the unsolicited advice I might give, based on nothing but my experience.

Prepare yourselves for Jenny’s Terrible Tips for Marriage Success (*Results May Vary). There are 33, one for every centimetre of difference between my height and my husband’s.

  1. Early January wedding date, to prove you just don’t give a care who else is there.
  2. Cheap wedding.
  3. Do not mistake a cheap wedding for saving up money for married life. Save none.
  4. Bring student debt into the marriage. Triple it together.
  5. Never change your hair. Keep the original do in “I do.”
  6. Get married in a ceremony that doesn’t include the words “I do.”
  7. Ignore family’s concerns about who doesn’t look like a worthy breeder.
  8. Have a complicated pregnancy and associated baby by your second anniversary.
  9. Have another baby to raise the first one. Do not graduate from university before completing this step.
  10. Have incompatible blood-types.
  11. With the exception of breastfeeding, sex-determined divisions of household labour are indefensible, so don’t bother.
  12. Forgive your in-laws and lavish love on them. Let the egg salad incident go.
  13. Let the biggest freaker drive everywhere.
  14. Screaming is only for fun.
  15. Buy your first home in a trailer park. Always mention this whenever someone introduces their new baby as Parker.
  16. Couples home renovation projects.
  17. Take the bullet for the 1% margin of error in your contraceptive’s effectiveness rate.
  18. Five is a nice round number.
  19. No pets. Maybe some bird feeders.
  20. The kids must know the loved one is the favourite. It’s for the best.
  21. Cheer each other on in difficult things besides childcare and renos.
  22. If they work in public, show up and cry so everyone knows what a good job they’re doing.
  23. Dedicate the first book to them
  24. Be a good sport about the book dedication.
  25. Learn their field, even though it’s hard and technical.
  26. Go out so often they recognize you at restaurants and stop asking if you want separate cheques.
  27. Don’t be a jerk about what they wear.
  28. Don’t be a jerk about their friends.
  29. Unless you’re rappelling, never bring up their weight.
  30. Make them go to the doctor.
  31. Don’t make them go camping.
  32. When there aren’t enough chairs, be the first to share.
  33. Don’t expect anyone else to peel all those crab apples you brought home from the park.